Chapter 5

Jassmyn sat at her console, lost in thought. She had pulled up the records of each crew member, including the information that had been released from their background checks, and tried to find a hint as to which one of them might be the saboteur, but to no avail. All of them had been thoroughly checked before being hired, and nothing unusual had come up during training.

She sat back in her chair and rubbed her temples. Looking through the crew information wasn't likely to yield any clues, but she couldn't stand the thought of waiting for the next attack. Next time, she might not find the explosives in time.

A quiet knock sounded on the wall of the cabin, and Jass hid the crew information on her screen. Turning around, she saw Kara make her way into the cabin.

“Sorry, didn't mean to startle you,” she said, taking her seat at the communications console and buckling herself in. “You looked pretty deep in thought, and I didn't want it to seem as though I were sneaking up behind you.”

“Thanks, I appreciate it.” Jass hesitated for a moment, then asked, “Kara, do you mind if I ask you some questions?”

Kara looked at her, surprised. “No, that's fine. Is it for something official, or off-the-record?”

“Off the record, at least for now. If I need official confirmation of something, I'll ask for it officially later.”

“Sure. Just let me do a quick check of my systems, and my time is yours.”

Jass watched as Kara checked the communications console for messages, missed alerts, and anything else that she would need to be aware of. Kara moved with a quiet confidence that Jass had always been impressed by. She was of medium build, with brown hair that was slicked back on top and pulled into a short rope braid.

According to her records, Kara CeSaran had been born Charles CeSaran in Kansas thirty-four years prior. Charles had gone through school with mediocre but acceptable grades, graduated from a small but respectable college, and promptly married his high school sweetheart. Then, several years later, Charles officially became Kara, and as soon as the name change was made official, Kara had immigrated to Mars. The background investigation agency had told Jass that the details of what had happened were protected by privacy laws, but they had seen no reason for concern and recommended the hire.

“Ok, I'm done. What did you want to ask?” Kara leaned on her console and sipped something steaming from a beverage pouch.

“You don't have to answer this if you don't want to, and it will have no bearing on your job. I just wanted to know. I'm sure you remember that everyone here had to pass a background check before being hired. A lot of things aren't reported to the company because of privacy, but the investigation agency can make recommendations based on their findings without releasing specifics. I was wondering, what prompted your...change?”

Kara sat in silence for a moment, watching Jass warily. Finally, she leaned back in her chair and looked out of the window. “It's a long story. I'm not going to tell the whole thing, because this really isn't the time or place. But the short version is: it wasn't a change, it was a realization. All my life, I'd been surprised to look into the mirror and see a boy's face staring back. Something always felt off, but I was a teenager before I finally figured out what it was. I couldn't tell anyone, of course. Being fifteen is hard enough, without that added difficulty. I didn't even have any words for how I felt, other than 'I think I'm in the wrong body.'” She shrugged. “It happens. But I was afraid. I was afraid no-one would see who I really was, and even more afraid that they would. I hid my real self from everyone. I spent hours wishing it would just go away. I spent even more time praying that God would 'fix' me.”

Jass let out a small sound, and Kara smiled. “Surprised? My family was very religious. And while I might not agree with everything they believe any more, so am I.”

“Do you still ask God to change you?”

Kara shook her head. “No. I was sitting in my room one night, a handful of pills in one hand to just end everything so I could get some peace. And I prayed one last time, fully intending to swallow those prayers a second after I said 'amen.' But as I whispered that last prayer, I had a revelation. All that time, I'd been asking God to fix me. But what if I wasn't broken? What if there was nothing to fix? I went to the window and threw the pills out into the grass. Nothing was really solved that night, but I no longer thought that I was a mistake.”

“Your record says you were married for three years.”

“Yeah...I don't think I want to go too much into that. I still kept trying to act like a boy, like I was 'supposed' to. I asked out girls. Not many of them said yes, but a few did. I even fell in love with one of them. We got married as soon as I finished college. Had a baby girl. And when I looked in her beautiful little face, I knew that I never wanted her to experience anything like what I had. So I waited a few months for my wife to recover from the birth, and then I told her the truth about myself.” She took a long sip from the beverage pouch she'd set on the console. “It worked ok for a few months. She even supported me, called me 'brave.' Then she changed her mind. She got custody of our daughter, claimed I was abusive, and got me banned from spending any time with my daughter again. I couldn't bear the thought, so I sold everything I had left and moved to Mars. I regret that with every fiber of my being, because I'll never have enough money to move back, and my daughter will grow up without me. But it's done now. And that's all you really need to know.”

Jass opened her mouth to ask another question but thought better of it. “I'm very sorry, Kara.”

“Don't be. It is what it is, and I am who I am.” Her face looked soft in the light from the console, and she turned from the window to face Jass. “A lot of people never really find out who they are. Despite all the pain, I figured out who I was, and that's something I treasure greatly.” She stood up and stretched. “You don't have to play spy, Captain. I've seen the reports on the nets before the launch, and even more attacks have been reported since we left. You're trying to find out if we have a saboteur aboard. I can't help you with that, but I can tell you that you're looking at the wrong girl. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to concentrate on working my shift. See you in a few hours.”

She sat back at her console, buckling the strap that kept her from drifting around the room, and began pulling up the latest news reports. Jass left the room in silence.

As she lay strapped in her hammock, trying to rest, she wondered if a saboteur's bribe would be enough to buy a trip back to Earth.